Get it right

I LOVE this song! It means so much to me right now. It's very much how I feel.

It's time

Well as always it's been forever since I posted on here, I'm not even sure if anyone even reads anything on here. So much has changed and I will hopefully get back to it soon. Right now it's about me. I made a resolution to better ME and to make me the me I want to be. I can't tell you how many things I don't like about me because I don't have enough time. Maybe the better statement should be I can't tell you what I like about me. SO much has happened in my life that I've just let happen and then bury it like it was nothing thinking if I forgot about it then it'd go away. Well obviously it doesn't and it just gets worse and worse until it consumes you then you can bury it and think it goes away and it again comes back. It's a stupid vicious cycle that I'm tired of living. To be completely honest I've been "damaged goods" for quite some time. I'm pretty sure that's the main reason why I'm so over weight. Have you ever heard the song, "Unpretty"? there's a line in it that says, "My outsides are cool but my insides are blue." that's how I've been living my life. Just going along not quite happy like I've wanted to be. Then I got married and thought everything really was in the past only to have it come back along with other things that come along with marriage. Then kids and all the things that come with them. Sure I've had joy in my life, a lot of it and I have had happy and wonderful times but at the end of the day laying in bed I still wasn't....aren't happy. Then the wreck happened and it literately took of everything I thought I had control over and threw it in my face. I again did what I do best and just sucked it up and pretended everything was ok when it wasn't. I've been dealing with that for so long I just figured I'd always have to. I've never been one that likes to drive on icy roads or snow covered roads but after the wreck it was intensified. I just thought it was something I'd get over. Then I was in the car one time with my sister in law Katie and she said I think you have PTSD. I'm like that's silly. I only went through a stupid wreck. I pushed it away making it seem like everything was ok but then in my mind I was thinking, "crap I think she's right." That was 2 years ago and still here I sit NOT dealing with it and it taking over my life. It wasn't until I recently went to Boise for a thing for my business that it really hit me that I needed to deal with this before it swallowed me up. I went with my brother, Kilby and his wife Katie. We were having a great time and I thought it'd be a fun and great trip, then we hit snow and ice on the freeway and my cool composer went away in a blink of an eye. I had to pull over and have Kilby drive. I still was freaking out and the anxiety was insane. So then I plugged my ears, closed my eyes and put something over my eyes so I couldn't see. It helped but still I was crying and sweating and on the verge of throwing up, to the point I was swallowing it down. I didn't want them to see me like this. I was suppose to be a cool composed person not this one freaking over stupid ice and slick roads. I felt like I was on the verge of having a heart attack or passing out. It was then that it hit me. This is NOT normal. I shouldn't have to feel this. It's time. So I made a vow to myself to finally find someone to help me with that. I talked with the kids therapist the next Thursday and explained things to her. She agreed I needed therapy and said she'd get back to me. I don't have insurance and so I haven't been able afford it, which is one of the many reasons I've put it off. I told her that and asked if there was a way I could get some services for cheap or covered. I knew that interns do free counseling. I found out today she found a way where it'd be covered and that I could get the help I needed. I thought finally it's time. It's time to face everything I've be avoiding for YEARS! So she sat me down and we talked about things and just like that the anxiety came back and hit me in the face. I tried several times to push it back down to the cage I put it in and so secretly guard but she could see it in my face and called me on it. She said it's time to face that huge monster that has taken you over. It hit me so hard! I was on the verge of tears and just finally let a few through. It's SO hard for me to try to face all of this. But it needs to be done. I realized today that that car wreck holds SO much of me that I didn't know. It is effecting EVERYTHING, and I'm sure way more than I'm even realizing. SO today is the day, it's time. It's time to take back me and to make me the person I've wanted to be for years! I know it's going to be hard and I'm sure a lot is going to come out that I haven't wanted to for years but I want to be whole again. I want to be able to feel things and not have to push them down. I want to be able to tell the people I love that I love them and not feel like it was something huge. I want to be able to feel the spirit again, not just saying I am. I want to be moved to emotion with things I believe in not just things I care about. I want me to FEEL again. So I'm going to come here a lot and write down things this year. I can't keep it in, I just can't. It's time.....it's finally time.

It's been far TOO long!

I first must apologize for not updating this often. I really want to get into the habit of doing it. Just wanted to say it's been long and I hope to come update with pictures SOON. Until then...

Much love!

Life is so INSANE!

Well life still is crazy, but I guess if it weren't it'd probably be boring. I've posted so much about me and Tara lately that I wanted to do an update on EVERYONE.

Bryan's been doing ok. He's sick right now with his annual sinus infection. lol. I say annual because he gets one every year and is sick for about 2 weeks then he's good. He's getting ready to go to Wood Badge. I'm totally NOT looking forward to being alone. He leaves Wed this week and will get back late Sat, then Wed next week and get back Sat. He's excited about it. He sure loves scouting and anything to do with it. I love to see him so dedicated to it.

Jordan is doing good. Loving the 3rd grade. He's doing awesome, as I knew he would. I've been really really lucky with him. He's never really had to have me worry about him. He's just such a blessing to me. He's my little helper. Anyways, he is getting ready to start flag football. He's so excited. I'm excited to see him try something new. It's going to be insane the next few weeks. He'll have practices every Mon and Wed and games every Tues and Thurs. But with our stupid weather here it gets cold QUICK so they are jam packing the games in. He's excited. He's loving scouts still and doing so well at it. He earned his bobcat a month ago. I'm so proud of him!

Tara is doing ok. You all know what's going on. I think something is going ok and we're finally getting over something then something with happen and throw it all off. She's been having problems going to school since that incident. I'm thinking of maybe seeing if she can get a bus, that way she will be greeted at school by her teacher. I need to check and see what I need to do have that happen. We talked to her about wanting to go to school and such and it seemed to be starting to improve then she stayed the night with my sister and ended up having a seizure. I had really hoped we could be done with those for awhile, but I guess it was to be expected with all the stress going around. I'm really NOT wanting to put her back on her meds. I mean she's hard to deal without the meds and it can be stressful sometimes but at least she's MY Tara. The Tara that I know and love very much. With the meds it makes her so numb. Just not the Tara I know. An easier Tara and a much more laid back Tara, but not MY Tara. I think I'm going to start her on a low dose and see if that helps. I talked to the doctor and he agrees she needs to have therapy. So he's going to give us a referral to a pediatric therapist. I'm hopful that something will help. I wanted to get her into dance, even checked into it and filled out the paper work then I had this thought and a strong feeling that I needed to wait a few months and see how she did with school. I really didn't want to overwhelm her with things. I'm so glad I listened to that. I can't imagine how things would be with that much more stress and pressure. I'm hoping to pick it up in Jan. I think she'd love it, but she needs to be ready for it.

Paige is doing well. She's my little spit and vinegar. I was hoping to have her potty trained by now but it just isn't happening. She's been having some behavioral issues lately. I think it's just her wanting some attention with everything going on. I don't blame her but I wish she wouldn't do it. I'm going to try taking some time each week with each kid....I hope it can help them all. She's into princesses right now and so she's ALWAYS dressing up and being one. It's so nice to have a girly girl!

Alyssa just turned 4 months. I'm so upset about it. I can't believe how fast time is going! She's just a growing little weed! She just had her 4 month check up and is now 11.14 lbs. I can't believe that! She still hasn't rolled over yet, which I'm ok with. She has a little lag with her neck muscles, it's getting better but still taking a little longer than I thought. We're working on it though. She started laughing the other it's SO cute! It'll take A LOT to get her to laugh but when she does it's so worth it! She just makes my heart soar!

Well I'm doing ok, all things considered. I'm just trying to stay afloat, which is proving sometimes harder than I anticipated! I'm working on losing weight right now, it's a slow process but working. I'm hoping to be down to my goal weight in a year. I'd love to run a 5 and 10 K next year and then a half and full marathon the year after. Those are my goals. My back has been still giving me horrible problems. It seems to have gotten worse since having Alyssa. I'm going to go and get an update MRI and see what the status is after the pregnancy, that way we know how to treat it. My pain doctor has suggested steroid injections but that makes me SO nervous! lol. Anyways other than that I'm just staying busy with the kids and working at the apple. I'm going on 4 years now. That's so crazy! I love it there, but man it adds so much to my busy schedule! I'm toying with the idea of not resigning....just cause things are so insane. I don't know, it's still up in the air.

well that's what's going on, it's now taking me 3 hrs to get all this in. Alyssa has been sick lately she's so stuffy, even after cleaning her nose, she can barely breathe. Poor girl. Anyways I'm going to go to bed while she's asleep. Until the next update....

Much love!

Reflections of Motherhood

I got this off a May birth board I chat with. So true!!!

Rereading....

Do you ever go back through things, whether be a journal or blog, and reread things you've wrote? Lately with things all stressful and such I've been going back to when things were so much simpler and rereading things I've wrote. I've always liked to write but when I go back I think wow I LOVE the way I write, I should do it more often. LOL. Anyways I was going through somethings and came across Bryan's attempt at a blog...lol. I was doing this thing a few years ago where on my family's birthdays I'd post so many things about them. It was so fun coming up with things. Anyways I had asked Bryan to write it for me and he did. I just reread it and it made me smile and so I thought I'd post it here.

Old Fogey
So, since my 30th birthday was this past Saturday, the 1st of November, there have been several people that seem to find it extremely funny to call me an old fogey. The ironic part is, the people that call me that are older than I am. Anyway, for those of you who haven't reached this golden age where your body decides that it wants to start doing different things than it's done in the past, like sagging in certain areas of the torso and thinking that the trees have it right in changing colors with the seasons and your body thinks that changing your hair color to gray or silver is definitely keeping with the current fashion, here's a helpful tip as you get ready to turn 30. It's no different that being 20 except maybe, I repeat, maybe you're a little wiser. Let's face it, your body starts to make these changes before you're 30 and now your mind is just catching up with the signals your other departments have been sending it for the last 5 years or so. I guess the mentality of a teenager doesn't go away when you hit 20 after all.
Now that I've explained my mental and physical state, I'll move on with the much more important reason that I logged on to this blog tonight. In honor of my birthday, my beloved wife, Dana, posted 30 great reasons that she loves me. One for each year that I've been counted among the living, if only physically. So I have decided to return the favor and do the same for her. Ok, fine, I admit that she told me that it was my turn to reciprocate the favor and I would feel really guilty if I didn't since she asked me to and all. So here goes....

28 Random and interesting things about Dana:
1. She loves me for who I am and not for who she wants me to be.
2. She is the greatest mom my kids could have.
3. She puts up with me despite my many failings.
4. She likes to play WoW (World of Warcraft) with me.
5. She makes some of the cutest hair bows around.
6. She is VERY close to her family.
7. She keeps me from doing things that aren't necessary.
8. She is selfless.
9. She would do anything for those she loves.
10. She doesn't give up on things that she wants.
11. Her birthday is on Halloween but she devotes her time to the kids instead of focusing on her birthday.
12. She makes me laugh at least once a day.
13. She loves music.
14. She plays the trumpet.
15. She is the glue that keeps our family together.
16. She's obsessed with the internet, in a good way of course.
17. She's better at this blog thing than I am.
18. She LOVES the High School Musical franchise.
19. She doesn't like red meat, except for the occasional Big Mac now and then.
20. Her favorite color is purple.
21. She was born in Blackfoot and raised in the Snake River area.
22. Loves being a mom.
23. Her best birthday presents this year were Jordan losing his first tooth and Paige saying "Love you".
24. She has an older sister, Kelli, and a younger brother, Kilby. She also has an "adopted" younger sister in Kilby's wife, Katie.
25. She loves dressing Tara and Paige up and making them match.
26. All 3 kids have her wrapped around their fingers, and me wrapped around hers.
27. She gave up some friendships for me and our relationship. I'm not sure I'll ever know how much that really affected her.
28. Last, but not least, she's all mine!!!!

Love ya dearly Dana.

Me and Tara

My wonderful sister in law gave me a link to this and said it reminded her of me and Tara. I listened to it and had tears in my eyes. It's so true. From the minute Tara was born I knew she'd be so much like me. I felt like my grandma, whom I was VERY close to and had passed my sophmore year, had blessed me with her. Someone to be there with me through everything that I could relate to. Thanks Katie for everything you do! I love you!

This talks to me

With everything going on right now this has just spoke to me. I feel at peace when I listen to this. It's now my favorite song

Tara

I had the most scary thing happen to me Wednesday. It was Donuts with dad, that's where the dad's take the kids to school have a donuts and milk or juice with their kids go to their classes and meet the teachers then leave when school starts. OK maybe I should back up first. Tara's NEVER been one that likes us to leave when we come to school. It's the reason I don't volunteer at all. She just has a problem with us leaving and screams and it just isn't worth it. anyways so Bryan took Tara to school and had a good time and when he left she was crying and such but he said he thought she'd be OK. I had planned on running to town and doing shopping and such for our camping trip for the weekend but after he had told me about the morning and how she just didn't want him to leave I got this huge feeling and thought I needed to take my time and maybe do things here. I thought it was weird but ended up doing that because I am once again sick. so anyways after I take some meds and such I feel better so I'm getting Paige and Alyssa ready, I had just got Alyssa up and was going to nurse her when the door opens. I'm thinking who in the crap is walking in my house??? And I look and it's Tara, coat and backpack on. I'm like Tara what in the world are you doing here?! She immediately runs to me and starts crying and saying mommy I missed you and love you and she is like latched on me so tight. I look out the front door and there's this strange guy standing there and says,"is that your daughter?" I said yes. He then says, "I live about 2 blocks south of sunrise (the school she goes to..btw we're north of the school) and saw her walking. She flagged me down and asked if she was still in Shelley. I asked if she was to be in school she said no and that she needed to find her mommy. she knew your name and your husband's name and directions to your house." I thanked him so much with tears in my eyes. Then he said sure anytime. Then I turn to Tara and she has this look of devastation on her face. So I have her come sit on my lap and talk to me and all she wants to do is latch on me and cry. so I ask her what happened and she said she wanted Bryan to stay with her but he left so she went out the door, through the gate where they come in at and tried to walk home. I then call the school to tell them what's going on and they are shocked to say the least. anyways i then call Bryan and tell him and he is shocked too. i just don't know what to do. So I get the other girls ready and I took them over to the school we talk to the principle and then try to take her back to school but she screams. so I gave her two options to either go to class with me or the principle she doesn't want to do any and just stay with me. so the principle comes out and says just go and I'm like um OK....she tries to run after me as I'm walking out and he ends up picking her up with her screaming mommy don't leave me mommy I need you. that's the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. I start crying. Now a little back ground. I remember so vividly my mom coming and helping when I was in first grade and then when she tried to leave I started crying and saying don't go and the teacher having to hold me while I kicked and screamed and cried watching my mom walk away. it was SO traumatic to me!! its the reason to this day i HATE being alone and I have such a HARD time when Bryan goes on camp outs or hunting or wood badge. i even still had a problem when i was in the 8th grade. I remember being sick and my mom getting me all ready and comfortable in her bed and her saying she needed to run to town and get my antibodies and pay a few bills and to just sleep i remember thinking to myself, "you can do this. it's OK she'll be back....don't panic" but before my mom even left the front door i was crying so hard and BEGGING her not to go and to just take me with me and not leave me alone. I ended up going with her sicker than a dog running a high fever. I just have never done good with that. I SWORE I would never do that to my kids that I'd make sure they wouldn't feel that way. I've hated how even moving out on my own and such is so hard for me. I hate how I can't be stronger for my kids and that I feel so alone when people leave me for short times. then when I had Tara and found out she was going to be the same way as me I was SO worried about her having the same thing happen to her in school as me and me ruining her life, so I swore I wouldn't do it to her, that she'd be through so much especially in the last few years that I would always make sure she felt secure and safe and not left there alone and scared. but it happened. I did it. I did what I said I'd NEVER do, and I'm not happy or at peace with it. the image of her being picked up and screaming will always be in my mind. even now, almost a week later I can't shake it. I can't seem to do ANYTHING. it's completely consumed me. did I do the right thing? is she going to be hurt to the point she'll never get over it? did i just damage her for the rest of her life? did i do something i thought was right that is going to end up being something so wrong? sometimes being a mom is so hard. i just don't even know what to do. i decided to come home and do things around here in case something happens, but I just can't seem to do that. I've spend the first 30 mins of getting home on my knees in tears begging to have peace and praying that Tara wont be hurt like i was. praying that I did do the right thing and to know things will be OK. I do feel like I did the right thing. I mean on one hand I can't just let Tara think she can try and get out and walk home and then stay home, I think that sends the wrong message. I think she needs to know no matter what she goes back to school. but I just can't get over that picture of her screaming in my mind. her devastated eyes looking at me with tears. it was like I was taking her heart out and just stomping on it. I just don't know what to do. I feel so lost.

Life

Well I want so badly to be better at this but for some reason it just doesn't happen. I keep thinking, "When winter comes I'll be less busy, or when summer comes or when school starts" all that happens is I get more and more busy, how does THAT happen? I wish I knew because then I'd stop it! Anyways I'm am going to TRY and be better at updating this and taking time. I feel like this is a journal I can leave for my kids and I'm just not doing a good job. Anyways I wanted to say I'll be back SOON! Thanks for those that are around....which aren't many. Until next time......

Much Love!